Jeremy Corbyn announces parents’ night for MPs

Jeremy Corbyn has revealed plans for regular parents’ nights as way of dealing with the unruly and rebellious behaviour of his MPs.

The Labour leader said he was kicking himself for not having thought of it earlier, noting that it was “always vital” to stay in regular communication with “the mummies and daddies”.

It comes after Mr Corbyn released report cards for all of his parliamentarians, with either a smiley face or a frowny face next to subjects like ‘Electoral Maths’, ‘History of Socialism’ and ‘Coup Plotting’.

He said: “It’s been really disappointing. Some of the behaviour has been frankly juvenile, childish and juvenile. It’s been disrespectful, unkind and juvenile. And most of all, childish.”

Mr Corbyn is planning to give a general talk to parents, in which he says he will show them his diplomatic side by “explaining all the things I like about Irish republicanism”.

A source close to Mr Corbyn told The Daily Belter that he then plans to try out a good cop/bad cop routine during the individual meetings with parents and child, in which he will be joined by Unite boss Len McCluskey.

Mr Corbyn will gently tell the parents what he thinks their MP could do better, while Mr McCluskey interrogates them about any possible links they may have with the security services or Big Pharma.

Party strategists think the dynamic contrast between the crumpled, professorial, kindly Mr Corbyn and the rambunctious, manic and paranoid Mr McCluskey will be enough “to confuse most of the rebels into a state of fear”.

Mr Corbyn added that if all of the MPs were well-behaved, he’d give them an apple, as he would a horse.