Leadsom cannot help talking bullshit, claim facts

Facts have shown the newly appointed Environment Secretary just cannot help making broad, generalising statements, despite everyone telling her she is wrong.

The facts show 54.8% of Leadsom’s statements are based on half-truths, but are used to make generalisations about large groups of people.

Her “I am a mother” statement stands out in recent weeks, but since then she has made several more. The Daily Belter has compiled some of its favourites.

“I am sorry, but the facts show you are three times more likely to be homosexual if you live on a diet heavy in courgettes. I know a lot of people like courgettes, but that is a fact.”

“When I was a young girl, I remember being told my Lunchables were not up to standard. From then on I knew for a fact men were far more likely to resort to violent behaviour when posed with complicated mathematics problems.”

“As a mother – and I know I have said this before – I know disabled people do not need larger toilet spaces. I have seen it. I know. And the fact is, they hate butter.”

“I remember seeing the Pope on tour in Glasgow, and a man in the crowd was wearing khaki trousers. It is clear, from the data on hand, Glaswegians are a substandard species.”

The facts come in the same week as Leadsom stepped aside in the Conservative leadership race, saying she felt her ambitions to introduce a sticker chart for good behaviour in the Cabinet would not be permitted.

After being appointed Environment Secretary, Leadsom said: “I have a real, tangible stake in the future of our planet.

“Being a carnivore is something I do not take for granted, and the more steaks we can produce, the better for everyone, said science.”