Clinton running mate Kaine ‘optimistically pessimistic’ in debut

Hillary Clinton’s new running mate Tim Kaine made his rally debut last night, and told the Democratic convention that his past as a young lawyer taught him that: “If you want to be right, be a pessimist; if you want to do right, be an optimist – I like to both be right and do right.”

Kaine, who is a Senator for the State of Virginia, wasted no time in attacking Republican candidate Donald Trump as he was unveiled, telling attendants at the Florida event: “America was not built on fear; it was built on tectonic plates and dirt and grass and land, and in some cases desert or tundra.”

It is understood that Kaine’s progressive views on issues such as universal health care coverage will help win support from Democrats who previously backed Bernie Sanders, while his opposition to abortion and willingness to accept bribes could attract Republicans afraid of a clown becoming president.

This versatility has made him an ideal fit for Clinton, who introduced Kaine by telling the rally: “Tim is soooooooo qualified, like super qualified for the job, he has all the attributes you need to succeed, by which I mean he has all of my attributes, he’s like a balder, more penisy me. I mean it this time, all of it, really, soooooo really.”

She also stated that the acronym of their names, CK, would help secure undecided stand up comedian supporters, since it would evoke thought of popular comic and fat, bald asshole Louis CK, suggesting that at least part of the campaign will be “Hillaryious”.

And Kaine’s dry delivery and ambiguous winks confirmed that comedy is part of his repertoire, as he used much of his time at the podium to criticise and belittle Trump, citing his failed businesses and products such as Trump Electric, Trumpon Feminine Hygiene Products, Trump Steaks Inc., the GR8 Trump Assault Rifle and his unsuccessful theme park Trumpland.

He added that the damage caused by electing Trump would be “akin to a penniless divorce”, as he said that: “Despite his personal wealth, Trump has left a trail of broken homes and hymens in his wake, and if he were to become president it’d be just like that, you’d be pregnant and alone with no money, and I wouldn’t let you terminate.”

The fire was by no means one way, however, as Trump and his campaign staff were equally swift to criticise and counter Kaine, with Trump immediately tweeting: “Kaine is and always has been owned by the bank, a corrupt man to Hillary’s evil woman, the two things go together, he killed his own brother Abel, don’t go in a”.

His thoughts continued in a second tweet published immediately after, as he wrote: “field with him if he asks, you can’t trust him, you can trust me, I am a trustworthy guy, I mean what I say and I say what I mean, Trumpland was not a failure, i”.

He later changed tact and criticised Kaine’s use of Spanish during his speech, saying “it’s rapist talk and it’s probably incorrect” before later claiming that: “They don’t look like the president, I look like the president, he doesn’t have hair, a president as hair, ISIS will be drooling, he’s very sexy to gay Arabs, I’m”.

He also accused Kaine of abandoning the interests of Sanders’ supporters, saying: “The Bernie Sanders supporters are furious with the choice of Kaine, who represents the opposite of what Sanders stands for, this is the biggest outrage the worl”.

But despite these remarks, the performance by Kaine at the rally proved successful and the potential veep appears a popular choice, and given that many journalists commented positively on his “likeability”, it is surely only a matter of time before he does something to fuck it up.