World shocked as doping report shows Russia to be dodgy

The sporting world was stunned today as a report from the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) revealed that Russia had done things in an untoward fashion, as hundreds of their athletes were chemically enhanced to perform superhumanly in Olympic sports between 2011 and 2015.

As well as disclosing that Russia’s sport’s ministry were conducting routine mishandling of positive urine samples from their athletes, the WADA report stated that the sportsmen also gave opponents dead legs and tapped them on the shoulder before pointing at nothing to gain advantages.

It has proved to be a damning indictment of the nation’s institutional integrity, leading many to begin seeing super-villain leader Vladimir Putin and his Machiavellian schemes and persecution of homosexuals, foreigners and anyone who says the wrong thing or lives in the wrong place in a rather negative light.

Suspicions were first raised at the 2014 Sochi Winter Games, when Russian bobsleigh captain Marat Zykov appeared to get out of the sleigh, pick it up, and then run to the finish line with it held above his head after the team slipped into third place.

This occurrence compounded concerns raised after rumours circulated that disappeared long jumper Aleksandr Kovalenko had escaped a military testing lab and leapt across Chelyabink at 40,000 miles per hour, only for the Russian government to cover it up by saying it was a passing meteor.

With a triumphant Games beginning in Rio De Janeiro on the 5^th August, bravely hosted in spite of many citizens not having a pot to piss in and most of the others not having a window to throw it out of, the revelation that Russia were cheating has injected unwelcome cynicism into a multi-billion dollar spectacle in which millions spend their life savings travelling to watch a man jump over a beam.

The International Olympic Committee has vowed to impose the toughest sanctions possible ahead of the games, with president Thomas Bach calling the indiscretions “a shocking and unprecedented attack on the integrity of the sport”, and saying that they’ll give strong consideration to stopping Russian athletes from taking more drugs.

Yet some have claimed that WADA’s investigation has come decades late, as recently surfaced footage from 1984 shows that during the Soviet era the same doping was occurring, with famed boxer Ivan Drago shown to be injected with steroids ahead of a match with American champion Rocky Balboa, as part of a film reel shot by Balboa’s doppelgänger Sylvester Stallone.

It has also cast a dark light on the age-old sport, and on the reputation of the Russian government, who are alleged to be directly involved in the scandal, with Putin reported to be “smirking insouciantly” when asked about the matter as he said: “The world is better with my doping at the Olympics than with my doping outside of them”.

When asked to qualify this statement, Putin didn’t reply but abruptly appeared to increase in mass by about six feet, only to retract back to his usual size immediately after and tell assembled journalists: “If you won’t play me in these games, there won’t be any games left to play.”

Though intimidated by this display of mutagens, the journalists found consolation in the fact that, because Putin’s clothes didn’t grow with him, he was forced to conduct the rest of the press conference naked, his unolympian physique as exposed as his plans for global sports domination.