Several NATO chiefs have expressed their concern about continued Russian aggression towards Ukraine, and in particular Vladimir Putin’s commencement of war games in the Black Sea, since a conflict could see them having to fight a good army with decent weapons and capabilities.
President of Russia and Roose Bolton lookalike Putin has summoned his security council and proceeded with training scenarios ahead of likely military action in Crimea and east Ukraine, having accused the former Soviet nation of sending “saboteurs” into Crimea to “bully Russian soldiers and start an idiotic war they can’t win because they’re dicks”.
The tensions between the two nations, which rose to a fever pitch during the Russian annexation of Crimea two years ago and have been shaky ever since, are now likely to boil over into a proverbial David vs Goliath riding a T-Rex duel, which would force NATO to defend their Ukrainian allies.
But the prospect of fighting directly against Russia, who have aided pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine through conventional, unconventional and sexual means, has alarmed armed forces leaders within an organisation who are far more accustomed to shooting farmers who can’t work a computer or bombing caves from blue and empty skies with their flying robots.
Lt General Benson Hedges, commander of US forces in Europe, said last year that: “It’s been a long time since American soldiers have had to worry about an enemy up in the sky; most of their experience of aerial combat has come from Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
“I can tell them that we’re the goodies and Russia are the baddies, but I don’t expect that to make a difference, because most of them think they can’t be a badass without being bad, and the rest think they’re gangsters, because of gangster rap, and they too have to at least be criminals by definition.”
He added that at the time, troops were similarly inexperienced in having to “worry about an enemy in a tank”, “an enemy in a flak jacket” or “an enemy willing to play seek in a game of hide and seek”, and suggested that the lack of a link between Russia and 9/11 also hurt their cause.
It is not only the Americans who face a potentially sobering experience, however, as an intelligence report from a leading military expert working for NATO noted: “In 2008, when Russia invaded Georgia, their army were rubbish and ours was awesome, but it’s like they improved it or something.
“Now they have wifi and can Photoshop Google Maps to send our forces the wrong way, or can hack Google Plus accounts to see where our troops are deployed. We’re more screwed than a goat in Helmand unless we drastically change our approach or find a cure for death.”
So far, most of Russia’s military involvement in Ukraine has come from aiding ‘rebel groups’ in the country who favour being invaded, and then pleading “just helping my peeps” when confronted, but the build up of soldiers, tanks and aircraft in a more conventional approach has NATO smelling distinctly of urine, and occasionally Sugar Puffs.
Ukraine’s UN Ambassador Volodymyr Yelchenko has claimed that Russia now has 40,000 troops in Crimea and east Ukraine, and suggested that this could mean they’re up to something, while Ukrainian spotters along the border have confirmed the presence of mechanised infantry units, heavy battle tanks and giant soldiers made of fire, implying they might be willing to engage.
The UN Security Council has convened in New York City to discuss the issue, with a spokesman telling the media: “Generally speaking, when an army gets together along a border and just sits there waiting, it usually means it wants to go inside, so we have to address the unthinkable in here. It might take a while.”
The latest reports suggest that the Council are still inside the meeting room fourteen hours later, and have ordered pizzas after an initial conflict broke out in the region over whether to opt for Italian or Chinese, leading to a resolution that they would henceforth only purchase food from sponsors Papa Johns and Pringles.
No doubt Putin, who continues to bemuse and confuse with his tactic of very obviously preparing to do something extreme in order to get what he wants, will take a great deal of satisfaction from seeing his potential enemies floundering, and since our experts have confirmed that he can speak English, it’s entirely possible he’s reading or writing this very article right now.