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Gove started ‘Neil Buchanan is dead’ & Richard Gere ‘arse hamster’ rumours, says Clegg

Nick Clegg, the former Deputy Prime Minister and leader of the Liberal Democrat Party, has claimed that Michael Gove is responsible for a wave of rumours and hoaxes perpetuated over the last twenty years, including the ‘deaths’ of Neil Buchanan and Jeff Goldblum as well as Richard Gere putting hamsters up his arse.

Yesterday, Clegg told the BBC that Gove was “behind” the Sun newspaper’s ‘Queen backs Brexit’ story during the build up to the EU Referendum vote, and made the additional claims this morning when quizzed by the media over his certainty of Gove’s guilt and dickheadedness.

When asked how Clegg knew for a fact that Gove had communicated the claim, which Buckingham Palace strongly denied, Clegg said: “He’s got form, that’s the first thing; he’s always making up stories and sending them to the papers, that’s how we have so much misinformation. About 80% of the internet is what I call Goval Events.

“He got the ball rolling on Neil Buchanan being dead, because he thought it’d be funny to upset people born in the late eighties. He phoned up the Australian news to say Jeff Goldblum had fallen off a cliff because he hated Cats & Dogs. It was he who claimed Richard Gere put a hamster up his anus and also that Freddie Starr eat one, though not necessarily the same one.

“When you make an accusation against somebody, sometimes you have to rely on circumstantial evidence, but it’s important that you’re a character witness too. I’ve witnessed Michael’s character for some time, the character of a lying gimp-faced twat who told the world that humans are 95% water and that licking your elbow brings immortality.”

A BBC documentary concerning Brexit broadcast Clegg’s initial claim about Gove ‘creating’ the monarch’s support for leaving the EU, a story the Sun presented as a factual occurrence in which the Queen reportedly “let rip” with a massive fart while shouting Eurosceptic epithets at Mr Clegg.

The Sun defended their story and distanced themselves from claims it was a plant by saying they had two sources, though a leaked email suggested that the sources were ‘Mr Michael Grove’ and ‘Mrs Michelle Gove’.

Clegg & Gove

Clegg & Gove during more harmonious, uncomfortable times, pictured in their natural habitat.

At the time, Mr Gove denied any knowledge or involvement in knowledge or knowledge of anyone’s involvement in the story while implying it was true, saying: “I don’t know how the Sun got all its information and I don’t think it’s really worth my adding anything to what’s already been said because if I did it’d sound suspiciously familiar.”

However, the claims by Mr Clegg ironically chime with rumours that Gove is a pathological liar and worse than his features would suggest, with Westminster insiders having told the media that he invented Rickrolling, killed archaeologists to create the impression that they were cursed and told people that the Wingdings font in Microsoft Word confirmed that Jews were behind 9/11.

One source, who insisted on remaining anonymous but sounded an awful lot like Clegg mimicking a castrato, told The Daily Belter: “He’s rubbish and he has a rubbish mind and actions and everybody hates him, he fucked over Boris Johnson and looks like a inbred cat, I hate him even though you don’t know who I am. Vote Lib Dem.”

When asked what stories Mr Gove had invented, the source said: “I suppose the biggest one was that he told everyone in cabinet that – ahem, sorry – he told everybody that Mr Paul McCartney died in the late sixties and was replaced by Otis Redding, who done faked his own death and had the same plastic surgery Michael Jackson later did had.”

The insider added that: “If you want the truth in this mad world, I suggest you listen to Mr Clegg, who has always been honourable and honest and handsome. He speaks five languages, while Mr Gove looks like a weasel, treats his friends like Stalin would and only has two languages, one of which is lying.”

About Scott Malcolm Patterson (83 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

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