euros 2016 – The Daily Belter

Overlord Ronaldo single-handedly wins EURO 2016 while sitting on arse

Ronaldo orchestrated an impressive performance with genius techniques such as telling his underlings to score and holding their families at gunpoint.

July 11, 2016

World rejoices as Emperor Cristiano Ronaldo hurts himself and cries

Pitchside reporter Dale Carnoustie suggested that he had been struck in the Achilles' tendon by an arrow fired by a cowardly Trojan.

July 10, 2016

Bizarre Marseille cult ritual disturbs as 64,000 attend twisted ceremony

Prevalent accounts suggested this cult activity circled around elemental forces, with chants heard referencing 'Skorr' and 'Pfuknpaset'.

July 8, 2016

Welsh dragon slain by Portuguese flotsam as vacuity of hope exposed

Wales' manager, squad, fans and legion of illegitimate offspring will now have to go home as there's no more balls to foot and no more matches to game.

July 7, 2016

Coiffured French brutes bully itty-bitty Iceland out of Euros

The game more closely resembled a Thomas Hardy novel than a match of football, which it purported to be.

July 4, 2016

Farage steps down as UKIP leader to take England job

Farage stated: “We've brought the rocks cascading down the mountain and now we're doing a runner. You're not fucking laughing now, are you?”

July 4, 2016

German football players beat Italian footballer players by footing ball better for ages

Germany missed shots from the penalty ball spot in the final box for the first time since the Thatcher years but still won the football.

July 3, 2016

Corbyn: So, Roy, I heard you are free?

Roy Hodgson has revealed the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn phoned him after England's dismal defeat against Iceland last night, offering him a place in his Shadow Cabinet.

June 28, 2016