World rejoices as Emperor Cristiano Ronaldo hurts himself and cries

There was global celebrations tonight as Portuguese footballman and self-proclaimed ‘Conqueror of the Gods’ Cristiano Ronaldo was injured during a routine game in Paris.

Ronaldo, 31, was widely expected to lift the trophy regardless of whether he won it or not, with reports suggesting that he had paid the local security services and a regiment of the fabled Iron Fist mercantile army to give him a weaponized guard of honour.

However, he lasted just twenty four minutes – just over a quarter of the match – of the ninety before falling over and holding his leg, with pitchside reporter Dale Carnoustie suggesting that he had been struck in the Achilles’ tendon by an arrow fired by a cowardly Trojan, thus confirming his place in lore.

“He was in tears as he came off,” Carnoustie told us via a livefeed. “Absolutely bawling, man. It was fucking brilliant, I was loving it, so was everyone. Except Ronaldo.”

More to follow.