French mayors uphold burkini ban to keep beaches ‘sexy, not terroristy’ The ban stipulates that “beachwear must be respectful of public manners and secularism”, meaning the outlawing of crucifixes, bindis, kippahs and super skinny jeans. August 27, 2016
Overlord Ronaldo single-handedly wins EURO 2016 while sitting on arse Ronaldo orchestrated an impressive performance with genius techniques such as telling his underlings to score and holding their families at gunpoint. July 11, 2016
World rejoices as Emperor Cristiano Ronaldo hurts himself and cries Pitchside reporter Dale Carnoustie suggested that he had been struck in the Achilles' tendon by an arrow fired by a cowardly Trojan. July 10, 2016
Bizarre Marseille cult ritual disturbs as 64,000 attend twisted ceremony Prevalent accounts suggested this cult activity circled around elemental forces, with chants heard referencing 'Skorr' and 'Pfuknpaset'. July 8, 2016
Coiffured French brutes bully itty-bitty Iceland out of Euros The game more closely resembled a Thomas Hardy novel than a match of football, which it purported to be. July 4, 2016
The Daily Belter 