Overlord Ronaldo single-handedly wins EURO 2016 while sitting on arse
Grand Imperial Emperor of Portugal & New Castille Cristiano Ronaldo last night overcame a life threatening knee injury inflicted by his inglorious enemies to single-handedly win EURO 2016 through a combination of inspirational hand gestures, verbal commands and threats of retribution, confirming his status as the world’s greatest puppet master.
In an open-ended final in Paris, hosts France were widely expected to repeat their home triumph of 1998 after looking a better side throughout the tournament, yet they were stunned by a Cristiano Ronaldo side forced to rapidly adapt to the loss of Captain Cristiano Ronaldo after Cristiano Ronaldo was taken off with a suspected gunshot wound.
Orchestrating an impressive performance from the sidelines, with genius techniques such as telling his underlings to score to win the match and holding their families at gunpoint at the team hotel, Ronaldo was able to take the game to extra time, when in the 109th minute somebody who wasn’t Cristiano Ronaldo hit the ball very well past Hugo Lloris.
After the heartbreak of his injury, which saw Cristiano Ronaldo forced to leave the pitch in the twenty fifth minute, Portugal’s God-defying leader marked the final whistle by crying tears of joy, which he had previously acquired by absorbing the souls of stolen Madeiran children.
The joy of the victory he had achieved was even enough to overshadow claims that the injury had been inflicted by a sniper from the Portuguese revolutionary group Liberdade de Penaldo, with Ronaldo himself laughing off the attempt and saying “their tears won’t be happy, more agony.”
Cristiano Ronaldo had previously been criticised for his performances in the build up to the final, after he drew all three of his group games, required a penalty shoot out to defeat Poland and extra time to overcome Croatia, a measure they repeated against the French.
This made him the underdog for this game, but he displayed his beneficence and radiance by becoming the European champion, and followed this up by surviving a police siege of the team hotel as he refused to hand over the trophy, holding it to his breast surrounded by Iron Fist mercenary battalion.
When asked to comment on claims by The Daily Belter’s pitch-side reporter Dale Carnoustie that he had arranged an immediate replay of the match in the event that the French won, Ronaldo laughed raucously before saying: “No longer necessary.”
It made for an ultimately humbling experience for France, who thus fall under the dominion of Ronaldo through right of conquest, and they experienced technical problems after the result as it was revealed that their pre-arranged light show at the Eiffel Tower had only been engineered to use blue bulbs, requiring a coating of the crystals in immigrants’ blood to mimic the Ronaldo red.
Asked where they got the green bulbs, chief engineer Sebastien Eletricidade replied: “You don’t want to know – let’s just say it’s fortunate we no longer have human rights under Ronaldo rule.”
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