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Coiffured French brutes bully itty-bitty Iceland out of Euros

Bastard French antagonists last night callously broke the hearts of tiny Iceland and angered millions of romantically-inclined neutrals by pounding the brave everyman heroes like a five ounce rump in an act of pure evil.

The bad guys of this particularly nasty story will now meet Germany in the semi finals on Thursday, with most of the world praying that the World Champions can recapture their 1939 Blitzkrieg form and send the cynical Franks into footballing purgatory like the pigdogs they are.

Meanwhile Iceland can return to their idyllic, Tolkien-esque surrounds to the tune of a thousand Gjallarhorns and the affections of women from Aarhus to Zurich, all with their heralded heads held higher, hurt hardly heard.

In a first half of the game that more closely resembled a Thomas Hardy novel than a match of football, which it purported to be, the French footballers immediately began sneering and flouncing around their plucky opponents and then took the ball off them, wouldn’t give it back, then put it in their goal again and again and again until it was 4-0, before the referee got his finger out and whistled the end of the first two quarters.

Even the French fans looked bewildered and in some cases horrified by the display, which evoked thoughts of a sweet little boy riding his bike innocently then being hit by an eighteen-wheeler lorry on purpose.

But the Norse heroes rallied after the pause in the game and kicked the ball very adroitly until it went into the French net.


The superbrave Icelandic players are reported to be suffering post-traumatic stress disorder.

But like all bullies, the French were terrified by being emasculated any further than they already had by their drunken father or sociopath mother, and so scored another one by giving the football to Olivier Giroud, who greedily footed the ball into the goal despite having done so earlier.

Birkir Bjarnsson’s final goal for the plucky minnows was no more than a glorious consolation.

The first half performance by the Gallic nation was appropriate given their barbarian origins, as Giroud and Paul Pogba made the score board say 2-0 before even twenty minutes had been allowed to happen, then Dimitri Payet and Antoine Griezmann did it too before lunch break, all in a display that was as clinical as it was unconscionable.

However, thanks to the successful netting by Kolbeinn Sigthorsson and Bjarnason, Iceland technically won the second half 2-1, which would suggest a deliberate foreshadowing to a far more enjoyable and justified outcome at the conclusion to the European Championships.

Dead cert Victorian Cross candidate and Iceland captain Aron Gunnarson afterwards said: “We are disappointed but incredibly proud. It’s been an amazing experience.”

While inspiring words, he was clearly lying stoically, and there can be little doubt that the Icelandic players will take take many years to recover from the brutal and unnecessary manner in which they were treated, including the loathsome and pre-meditated decision by the French to celebrate the win openly.

The Daily Belter understands that activist group Juristruedince are organising a protest against the result, with founder Blossom Abneswaithe claiming that the game should be replayed since the outcome “didn’t represent the wishes of the people”.

About Scott Malcolm Patterson (83 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

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