There were reports last night of a major disturbance in Marseille as over 64,000 people attended a strange ritual being conducted by twenty two men in a vast, open topped hall, seemingly with the cooperation and assistance of French police and security services.
Residents of the city overheard the sound of roaring from the site, with many experts on polytheistic spiritualism suggesting that the congregation, which included French and German nationals, were worshipping a deity named ‘Ghole’, and that the ceremony itself was intended to as a tribute to this possibly demonic entity.
Witness Marie Cavary, who asked to remain anonymous, alleged that one group of men wearing blue shirts and shorts, who spoke only in French, successfully worked together to place a circular object made from polyurethane into an eight yard wide gape on two occasions, despite efforts from eleven men wearing white shirts and black shorts, primarily Germans, attempting to stop them for reasons unknown.
This ritual apparently lasted for two hours with only a short intermission halfway through, in a format reminiscent of a theatre play, and consisted of various physical feats of strength as emergency services watched on impassively.
It was conducted exclusively on an artificial grass field a hundred feet long and fifty wide, with the turf emblazoned with a series of bizarre patterns which resembled Celtic runes or the Nazca lines, which made many initially suspect the presence of a UFO cult.
Cavary claimed that a Frenchman named Antoine Griezmann was heralded as a hero after he on two occasions used his feet to place the sphere into the opening, on one occasion as punishment to a German man named Bastian Schweinsteiger for touching the totem despite being unworthy.
Despite prevalent accounts suggesting this cult activity circled around an elemental force, and potentially more with chants heard referencing a ‘Skorr’ and ‘Pfuknpaset’, the Daily Belter’s Frenchmen Mathieu Bondouleur has suggested that it was in fact a gathering of and tribute to the fabled Illuminati, as the cultists were vastly wealthy while the congregation comprised primarily of the working class.
Bondolouer said: “People don’t see what is before their very eyes, this was clearly a sign of the way the world now works, the rich rule this earth and the poor want it. They watch as the wealthy play their silly games and treat them as if they are the fucking super-Christ!”
Denying allegations that he’s just a silly Socialist ninny, Bondoleur went on to add that he expects this vast cult, which he claims to be over a billion strong worldwide, to repeat the ritual in Paris on Sunday, only this time with the German participants replaced by Portuguese men.
“There is one man among this group who believes he truly is God made flesh! And with the money we make him with our stupid little minds, he might as well be, truly. This is not a tribute to a deity, it is a celebration of our self-hatred and need to love those who despise us!”
When asked to comment on these claims, French prime minister Manuel Valls said: “What the fuck are you talking about? Get off my chaise longue.
“Stop eating my father’s ashes.”