Germany Football Club last night reached the Semi Round of the European Championships after they successfully victorised Italy Football Club in a football game that was extended due to insufficient goal play.
After the match continued indefinitely because Leonardo Bonucci had stopped Mesut Ozil from being a hero, the two sides contested a penalty lotteryball in the final quarter of the two and a half hour long slog through the plush greens of Bordeaux in scenes diametrically opposed to the recently celebrated Battle of the Somme.
Germany overcame missing shots from the penalty ball spot in the final box for the first time since the Thatcher years by putting it in the goal six times to Italy’s five, though three of their players couldn’t put it in the goal even though on each occasion the offside trap was a failure.
Thomas Muller, Mesut Ozil and Bastian Pigfarmer all proved incompetent from twelve yards – or ten point nine seven two eight metres to our American chums – but happily for the three stooges, the Italians were even worse at using their foot to hit a lump of leather past a pasty faced German man named Manuel, with Simone Zaza, Graziano Pelle, Leonardo Bonucci and Matteo Darmian making Mussolini look like Moses.
It was probably deserved after a 120 minute game that confirmed that German football players are better than Italian footballer players at footing a ball around on the park for ages, and after winning the World Cup trophy a couple of years ago, the Germans are favourites to win the European Championships trophy by kicking the ball into the goal more than anyone else.
They looked on course for a routine and far from seminal success of gameplay when they hit a goal in the sixty fifth minute, as Arsehole midfielder Mesut Ozil was faster than the Italians in going over to the bit of the stadium where Mario Gomez had kicked the ball and then in turn kicking it past Gianluigi Buffoon, the elderly man Italy had put in charge of stopping Germany goals.
But thirteen minutes later a very careful and possibly pensive Italian team managed to equal the amount of goals Germany had scored in that game when Bonucci hit the ball really hard into a corner of the football net from the white spot because Jerome Boateng had did a weird Jesus impression thing and was paedolised for it.
So a match that had been expected to last ninety minutes and maybe a little longer in case somebody got hurt or something ended up lasting more than two hours, and was settled permanently when Jonas Hector buggered the ball under Buffoon – who began crying because he wanted to win the game and didn’t because he’s Italian and Italy didn’t win the game – and the referee blew the whistle because it was finally over, the end, bye.