Wales’ EURO 2016 journey ended last night as they were defeated 2-0 by Portugal in a semi-final result that served to confirm that life is a thankless and inglorious struggle, where dreams exist to be destroyed by greasy faced Iberians and hope is a vacuous indulgence.
Portugal’s star man Cristiano Ronaldo put a mixed tournament behind him by shamelessly flouting the laws of physics to hover in mid air and headbutt the football into the back of the Welsh goalmouth in the fiftieth minute, before apprentice tumour Luis Nanny poked out his leg to redundantly redirect Ronaldo’s rubbish shot into the same net just three minutes later.
It was a disappointing outcome for the Welsh, enjoying the biggest night of their footballing history and looking to put centuries of mundanity and subalternity behind them, though manager Chris Coleman was quick to praise his defeated players, and said “[the players] need to look back and see they have done their country proud” in a classic case of denial.
Portugal, who won a game in ninety minutes for the first time in the tournament despite that being the minimum requirement for victory, will somehow play either France or Germany, or possibly a hastily forged France-Germany superteam, in Sunday’s final at the Stade de France, which literally translates as French Stadium.
All eyes will be on Ronaldo, scourge of non-waterproofed microphones and admirers of virtue everywhere, whose goal saw him match Michel Platini’s record of nine goals in European Championship finals, though logic would conclude that since Platini did so in one tournament while Ronaldo’s nine goals have come in four, Ronaldo is only a quarter as good at football as an old unethical Frenchman.
Misanthropic captain and embodiment of the phrase ‘fancy cunt’, Ronaldo was overheard telling his teammates after the game “muito bem, meus amigos, nos ganhamos, este e um grande dia”, which Daily Belter translator Jose Enraber confirmed meant “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds”.
He added to this at a press conference attended by two invited journalists, both of them Ronaldo himself in disguise, by saying “eu estou feliz”, meaning “Elia Martell, I killed her children, then I raped her, then I smashed her head in like this!”
Wales’ manager, squad, fans and legion of illegitimate offspring will now have to go home as there’s no more balls to foot and no more matches to game, surely safe in the knowledge that while their performance at the tournament will see them climb to eleventh in FIFA’s world rankings, this is ultimately just a number and won’t ever fill the void caused by losing.
Former professional striker Gethin Thomas, who won a cap for Wales against Azerbaijan in 2002, said that the Welsh players would have a hard time dealing with the aftermath, saying: “They tasted glory then had it taken away, and you never get over that, there’s no point in even trying, all there’s left now is dead mice on the doorstep and tears in your coffee.”
He added: “And that’s true for everyone now, misery will find you wherever you hide, especially in Wales.”