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Labour celebrate most peaceful 24 hours in recent history

The Labour Party has spent the night and early morning celebrating, after it passed the crucial two hours marking the most peaceful period in the party’s recent history.

Fireworks were lit outside Labour HQ, and troops of Ewoks played the drums on plastic replicas of Owen Smith’s and Angela Eagle’s heads.

“It is such a wonderful evening,” one Labour supporter said, “it is truly a sign of the party coming together, and a mark of the unity brought about by Jeremy’s recent victory in the leadership contest.”

No challengers have yet stood up to face the re-elected Labour leader, and after 24 hours without a challenge, Corbyn and his supporters have hailed it as a “miracle” and a sign “the Force is strong with us”.

Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott were spotted dancing Strip the Willow at various points in the evening, but The Daily Belter managed to grab a few words with the jubilant leader.

DB: Jeremy! Jeremy!

JC: Yes, sorry. Diane, I will be back in a moment.

DB: Very good, Mr. Corbyn. Congratulations on your victory, what is the cause of the celebration this evening? Is it a Labour Party party?

JC: It is a chance for us to come together and realise there is abject poverty in the northern areas of England, and to promote Wensleydale cheese as the best there is. As Auden said: “A poet’s wish: to be like some valley cheese, local but prized elsewhere.”

DB: That’s excellent, Jeremy, but it doesn’t really answer my question.

JC: Yes, but you see, there is no chance of us having a meaningful conversation about the austerity measures put in place by –

DB: Jeremy, stop. What are you going to do tonight in celebration?

JC: Fine. Well, sleep is my priority. Too many nights I have awoken to find Tom Watson standing over my bed in a nightgown with a spiked baseball bat over his shoulder

DB: That sounds quite serious, do you think he has some sinister motives?

JC: Not really, Tom’s into that kind of thing, so I will wipe the slate clean. All that matters now is getting everyone behind Naga Munchetty through the Strictly final.

DB: That’s great, Jeremy. Cheers.

Angela Eagle, who bowed out early from the contest, said she had a good overview of the party’s situation and how she would like to press ahead.

She said: “After having a bird’s-eye view over the goings-on within the Labour camp, I would say Jeremy had this from the start, and I hope to have a co-operative relationship.

“I will not be swooping down to catch a position on the frontbench quite yet, but I do believe the Labour Party will again see the hawk amongst the pigeons in the not-too-distant future.”

When asked why she constantly dropped bird-related comments into her sentences, Eagle replied: “It kills two birds with one stone.”

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About Ross Brannigan (32 Articles)
"Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on our own bottom" - Montaigne.

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