Television viewers were left in shock last night as Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker presented the new football season’s first edition of the show wearing nothing but an adult diaper, reportedly due to his extreme incontinence.
Lineker, 55, has allegedly earned the nickname ‘Stinky Linky’ following a number of significant fouls over the last few years, with his studio chair having to be replaced on numerous occasions and the pungent from his soiled trousers inspiring the retirement of Alan Hansen and the furrowed brow of Alan Shearer.
Although Lineker had pledged to present the programme in only his “undies” if Leicester City won last year’s Premier League title, our insider told us that this was “merely a ruse” and that he “was extremely lucky that the Foxes did come home to roost, as was the BBC, who otherwise faced a considerable lawsuit from cast and crew”.
The source even added that “Leicester might have won it for Gary” to spare his potential embarrassment, as the former England captain was at risk of being exposed for his faecal and urinary mismanagement on a public level, and had grown a sinister goatee as a diversion from his rapidly darkening crotch and browning seat.
Lee Dixon, a former teammate of Lineker at international level, stated that there is precedent for this, as “our Arsenal team in 1991 won the title to get the money Tony Adams needed to buy a black market liver from China”, and then admitted that he admired Leicester’s decision to aid their ex-player, saying “it’s really heartening, I suppose, that football’s in such a cynical age but a team steps up and wins an amazing title just to stop one of their own visibly dropping a load in public.”
The incontinence that Lineker suffers, which The Daily Belter understands is both stress and urge related, first began to rear its turtle head in 1989 and reached a nadir at the 1990 World Cup, when Lineker defecated in his shorts in a match against Ireland, though he claimed this was due to the use of a ‘brown cannon’ supersonic infrasound device by the IRA.
It is believed that this problem has persisted since his resultant retirement from football and into a media career that has seen him surge to the top of the MOTD tree by dint of the disgusted noses of colleagues, with former presenter Des Lynam rumoured to have left for ITV in 2002 after Lineker ‘accidentally’ pissed in his face.
But despite him long keeping the faecal matter a secret, the founder of Involuntary Kindness, a charity formed to support those suffering from incontinence, has said that Lineker should reveal his affliction publicly and become a spokesman for his kind, claiming it would “move the cacky cause forward by twenty years”.
Sabrina Anirbas, who has had urge incontinence for her entire adult life and was thus very difficult to interview, told us that “rather than make excuses, Gary should step off the offal and hold his hands up”, adding that it would “enhance our poogress” and inspire “stainy kids everywhere not be ashamed” of their shame.
However, this outcome looks increasingly unlikely, as our source told us that Lineker was struck by such a “sense of euphoria” after appearing on national TV in a nappy that he has since promised to present next season’s programme “wearing only a Prince Albert” if Hull City win the title.