UKIP to make smoking in pubs “compulsory”

Launching their manifesto today in Scotland, entitled “Bringing Back the Good Old Days By Erasing the Present”, UKIP have proposed making “cigarettes upon entry” mandatory in every public house in the land.

The policy would see bouncers put at every pub’s entrance to enforce the rule, charging a mandatory cigarette to all customers for “a tuppence a go”.

Pregnant women will be allowed the option to vape instead if they so choose.

Other manifesto pledges include bringing back the cane in schools for “daydreaming or texting”, bringing back a “Life on Mars culture” into Police Scotland, and bringing back “unequal marriage.”

Emperor of UKIP Scotland™, David Coburn, told reporters:

“We must move backward, not forward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.”