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UKIP to make smoking in pubs “compulsory”

Launching their manifesto today in Scotland, entitled “Bringing Back the Good Old Days By Erasing the Present”, UKIP have proposed making “cigarettes upon entry” mandatory in every public house in the land.

The policy would see bouncers put at every pub’s entrance to enforce the rule, charging a mandatory cigarette to all customers for “a tuppence a go”.

Pregnant women will be allowed the option to vape instead if they so choose.

Other manifesto pledges include bringing back the cane in schools for “daydreaming or texting”, bringing back a “Life on Mars culture” into Police Scotland, and bringing back “unequal marriage.”

Emperor of UKIP Scotland™, David Coburn, told reporters:

“We must move backward, not forward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.”

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About Dan Vevers (73 Articles)
Journalist, unpublished novelist and occasional swinger, politically speaking. Don't quote me on anything.

1 Comment on UKIP to make smoking in pubs “compulsory”

  1. Pamela Hood // April 10, 2016 at 7:05 am // Reply

    Will pubs then, have non smoking rooms rather than the whole place smoking as those of us who enjoy going into pubs now and who have asthma and no longer smoke would then be unable to enjoy the atmosphere?

    Like

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