‘I thought celibate meant to sell-a-bit,’ priest implores

A priest has been chastised by his flock and elders after it emerged he began selling pieces of his church and pocketing the profits, after a misinterpretation of “celibate”.

Members of the flock spoke of their shock at the discovery Father Romp was selling seats, paintings of Christ, and a stained glass window outside his church.

When approached by his elders, Father Romp reportedly said: “I was unaware ‘celibate’ meant avoiding sexual activities.

“To me, when the teacher said I was to follow a celibate life, I assumed he meant to use the church for commercial enterprises. It’s an easy mistake to make.”

The church elders were approached for comment, and a spokesperson said: “We understand Father Romp’s confusion over the use of ‘celibate’.

“He would be excused, had he not also neglected to add a ‘Charitable Donations’ button at the bottom of his Grindr profile.

“In future, we will ask prospective Fathers to ‘Keep it in your pants’, and that items belonging to the church stay there.”

This new wording is to be introduced next spring, however Father Romp has declared he does not know if this means to “hold onto loose change or something else”.

Other items such as pieces of the Black Rood, glimmers of hope, and shards of honesty were also found in his outdoor stall.