Tony Blair: You’re all screwed anyway

With the Chilcot Report to be released tomorrow, Tony Blair has attempted to further divert attention from it, as if that was needed.

Blair has waded into the Tory leadership race and the Labour coup to tell the country: “You’re all f*cked anyway.”

Blair’s banner call has been heralded as the words of the messiah by the Blairites of the Labour Party, and summarily condemned by everyone else in the country.

He said: “The Conservative Party are, frankly, in a total mess. Labour are looking no better, and I think we have to accept we are all screwed whichever way we tumble out of this shit-chute at the end.”

When asked what advice he would give beleaguered Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, Blair was quick to respond: “He needs a war. Something for the people to rally behind. The dynamics are simple, and I am available for a call if he wants to go over the details.

“Honestly, it really is the only option he has now. He should just stick his fingers into the eyes of some dictator – let’s say, that guy with the hat in Gambia – and see what happens. It might be fun.”

Blair refused to rule out running for another hypocritical peacekeeping position, and is going to keep saying “we shall wait to see what Chilcot says” well into the 2030s.