Labour moderate realists to take “extreme, unrealistic” measures to oust Corbyn

An embarrassing memo being circulated among Labour moderates has been leaked to the press, calling for a range of “extreme, unrealistic” plots to topple the Labour leader.

The leaked e-mail began doing the rounds earlier this afternoon, and seems set to further polarise an already hugely divided pressure group.

Measures suggested include sneaking into Corbyn’s room while he sleeps and dipping his fingers in a glass of cold water, locking him into a cage match with Dan Jarvis, and lacing his kebabs with tabasco and urine.

The authors of the memo, a clique of Labour moderate realists, have come in for a storm of criticism since its leak. Pressed on the cruel, outlandish and completely unviable nature of many of the suggested measures, one source within the Labour moderates said:

“We honestly don’t know what’s gotten into us.”

Jeremy Corbyn was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson from his office called the measures “completely unnecessary.”