The world has been told to just give up and renounce its ability to think independently by transferring all sovereign power to the Scandinavian countries.
Scandinavia, which includes Denmark, Sweden, Finland and Norway, are to “show you how it is fucking done” after ascending to the new United Nations position of Supreme Arbiter of the World.
The foursome came together at a recent emergency meeting of the UN General Assembly, designed to address the “growing concern” of America, American people, American decisions, and Donald Trump’s small hands.
King of Sweden, Carl XVI Gustaf (whose full name is Carl Gustaf Folke Hubertus) was selected as spokesperson for the northern-European bloc.
He said: “The world is pretty much the job of a blind lumberjack attempting to perform surgery – it is, as we say in Sweden, a balls up.
“The Scandinavian countries of Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark are pleased to take the position of Supreme Arbiter of the World so as to ensure the spread of lunacy can stop with our vision of utopianism.”
Scandinavia’s immigration website is currently advertising “Utopia – Like You Never Imagined” for everyone coming to their countries, and everyone will receive a free reindeer upon arrival, and eternal happiness.
They also promote the “need to think will just stop. All thinking will be done by the state, in a completely democratically accountable way: Choosing socks, applying for a job, what to eat for dinner – the state has you covered”.
The news comes at the same time as UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon is set to be the biggest he has been since 1948.
The Super Ki-Moon will see the Secretary-General appear 30% brighter and 14% bigger than he usually does, and said the new decision on Supreme Arbiter was in part due to this.
He said: “My period of being Super Ki-Moon will be short lived, but is giving me a real perspective of how the world is working.
“It is, indeed, a sobering thought to look upon humanity and see the utter madness consuming it. A world without Alan Rickman is one we certainly need to sort out. We believe, at the UN, Scandinavia are the best placed countries to decrease world suck.
“I am confident in their ability to stem the flow of insanity flowing across the planet.”