Noel Edmonds has unleashed terrible vengeance against the world of television by starting thousands of new programmes in retribution for Deal or No Deal being cancelled, prompting a new era of cultural and televisual decline and bedlam.
The TV personality, 67, has taken control of Channel 4 and will air the programmes back to back every hour of every day indefinitely, and has also promised to take Deal or No Deal directly into people’s homes to punish absent viewers who prompted the cancellation.
His new array of programming includes the game show Cheap Cheap Cheap, where contestants guess the cheapest of three proffered items, Sell or Swap, which has been described as ‘Wife Swap meets Bargain Hunt‘ and Supermarket Harvest, where shoppers at Aldi are stripped of internal organs one by one while participants make bets on who will die first.
Edmonds made the announcement in a live broadcast directly into our collective souls at 6:66pm this evening, insisting that he did not want to torture the people of the United Kingdom in such a way, but that his hand “had been forced”, despite smirking insufferably as he said it.
A former host of Top of the Pops, Top Gear and Noel’s House Party, Edmonds defied his paedophile looks to achieve great popularity before his star waned after the latter was axed in 1999 amidst allegations that Mr Blobby was in fact Radovan Karadzic disguised as Marlon Brando’s penis, and that the gunge concoction utilised was made from the bile and haemoglobin of murdered itinerants.
The surprise success of Deal or No Deal, a game in which contestants fool themselves into thinking they are using tactical nous by approaching ‘heads or tails’ like a game of chess, propelled him back into the public consciousness and allowed him the access he needed to infiltrate every sector of television broadcasting with his hydra-like evil reach.
At its peak, the game show achieved ratings of six million, though analysts have since conceded that many of these ‘viewers’ were likely corpses Edmonds had transfigured, while the programme rarely achieved critical acclaim and was only once nominated for an award, the 2005 TV Choice Award for Best Variety/Comedy Programme which it lost to Sky News’ coverage of 7/7.
But stagnating viewership attributed to a collective dawning realisation hurt the programme in more recent times, and Channel 4 cancelled the show after rejecting a proposal from Edmonds to revamp the show by placing increasingly stronger doses of radiation in the red boxes.
This decision has proved fatal, however, as yet another rejection has allowed Edmonds to grow even stronger and given him an even grander cause for existential violence against those he now sees as both his betrayers and his nemesis, the British public.
He ended his horrifying address by saying that “as long as you take me into your hearts once again and love me for all I am to you, the best you can hope for, you will be happy”, a point made all the more ominous as the bulge in his overly tight khaki corduroy trousers grew visibly more tumescent.