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‘Whoever smelt it didn’t deal it’, according to new flatulence research

A new study into the science of flatulence and the behaviour of individual flatus has revealed that those who conduct a fart are almost never the first to smell it in a social situation, debunking the long standing phrase that ‘whoever smelt it dealt it’.

The research paper, from the department for Forensic Examination of Olfactive Phenomenon (FEOP) at independent scientific research group Rudiment Plus, shows that due to basic human anatomy and unconscious bias, a person who farts registers the smell first on only 1.2% of occasions.

In a report to be published in The New Scientist for its September issue, it is also noted that an adherence to the old adage that ‘whoever smelt it dealt it’ was most frequently used by the person who had created the odorous rectal outburst, thus validating the thesis ‘whoever made the rhyme did the crime’.

These new findings are expected to dramatically alter the sociology of flatulence reaction as one myth is relegated to apocrypha while the rebuttal becomes a valid if not objective assessment, though no causal link or correlation was found between the acoustic volume of the fart and the pungency, thus invalidating the ‘silent but deadly’ claim.

Susan Bishop-Cakebayrer, the head of the FEOP project, explained that due to “the anatomical geography of the human body”, a person who “creates the flatus will always be furthest away from the trajectory of the gas deposit” and thus unable to register it first.

She added: “There is a clear psychological factor involved, in which the farter is the one who naturally wishes to notice the smell the least, and thus unconsciously takes steps to avoid smelling it out of fear of uncleanliness which Freudians believe stems from childhood anal fixation.

BraveFart

The report suggests that Braveheart’s medieval depiction of weaponised farts may be accurate.

“Essentially, the subject’s nose is too far away from the anus, the ground zero of the flatus, while they also have the least to gain by acknowledging it, and that compensates for any value in ‘double-bluffing’ that they may see in being the first to spot the foul stench they made from their arsehole.”

The report shows that only unusual wind or anosmic tendencies in the others present resulted in the dealer smelling the funk first, while it also notes that in order for the famous phrase to carry scientific weight, the anus would have to be positioned in alignment with the nose.

This unlikely circumstance, it reports, is almost exclusive to those who suffer Binoculanus Syndrome, a rare condition whereby the anus develops where the mouth ordinarily would and vice versa that afflicts only 7,320 people worldwide, including Katie Hopkins and Piers Morgan.

When pressed on the subject, Ms Bishop-Cakebayrer insisted that the research her team had conducted over the last three years was of great scientific value both in understanding the human body and social dynamics, and angrily rebuffed claims she was bitter over past experiences.

She told The Daily Belter: “For the record, nobody has ever said that phrase to me, and certainly not after a flatulence on my part, and even if they had, which they haven’t, what my team and I have done is more than that cunt Jamie Whishaw will ever do in life with his streak-stained undies.”

Rudiment Plus, who provided a grant for the research project after a perceived public demand, have announced that they will soon be conducting a study to discern whether one has to ingest Sugar Puffs for their urine to smell of the cereal.

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About Scott Malcolm Patterson (73 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

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