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Sony Pictures announce new cinematic reboot of your mum

Sony Pictures Entertainment have announced a raft of new remakes, sequels, prequels, spin offs and derivations to be released over the next four years, including Braveheart 2, V For Vendetta: R For Retribution and a 3D reboot of your mum.

The production studio, a subsidiary of Japanese technological company Sony, published their list of new projects to be developed, produced and released between 2017 and 2020 in a press release that in no way stank of desperation, pandering or a painful lack of insight into public interest.

Their slate continues the studio’s trend of rejuvenating or revisiting beloved film franchises, which has seen their 2016/17 schedule contain new sequels to Underworld, Resident Evil, Bad Boys, Spiderman, The Equalizer, Hotel Transylvania, The Shawshank Redemption and Trainspotting along with remakes of The Magnificent Seven, Jumanji and Gone With The Wind.

And although this new list includes a cinematic adaptation of Cards Against Humanity, the computer game Minecraft and a remake of Citizen Kane starring Ariana Grande as Charlotte Foster Kane, the most notable new product is a large budget retelling of your mum.

Tracey Shartinator, a spokesperson for Sony Pictures, told reporters at a press conference for the press release for the press junket that they had chosen to remake your mum due to her testing well in surveys, with as much as 77% of voters answering “yes” to the question “do you love your mom?”

Shartinator said: “In picking potential projects, we want to know that there is an appeal already present, so we can give audiences what they want, and it’s pretty clear from our market research that people love their mom and so it would follow that they’d love to see their mom in theatres.”

“Films like Boyhood have shown that there’s an interest in family sort of films, based on nostalgia, and moms are very much a nostalgic thing, so we’re very confident that your mom will do very well with audiences, now it’s just a question of doing your mom justice.”

Thomas Rothman

CEO Rothman has denied rumours that he will be “forced to perform seppuku” if he doesn’t “stop fucking it up”.

Further to this, Shartinator admitted that the success of your mum in cinematic release could dictate whether the company pursues an expanded universe and series of sequels which could see your mum fighting aliens on a distant planet or teaming up with Spiderman to fight Doctor Octopus.

It is widely believed that the poor financial performance of many of Sony Pictures’ releases have inspired this strategy, particularly since their highly publicised Ghostbusters remake suffered a 54% second week drop in domestic gross after audiences became aware that identity politics and social controversy were being used as a smokescreen to hype a mediocre and soulless comedy.

Poor critical and commercial responses to their releases have seen only a handful of Sony movies, such as Foxcatcher and Zero Dark Thirty, reach a relative level of success compared to their rivals, and they have suffered losses on films such as Aloha, Pall Blart: Mall Blart 2, Die Hard 6: Hard to Die and MemenTwo.

This has seen the company close ranks and reinforce their approach, with leaked emails showing that CEO Thomas Rothman told his staff to “fuck it harder” when told that gross receipts were down, and the new and amended schedule contains many familiar faces and smells.

Other expected releases include a biopic of Justin Bieber entitled Seeing is Beliebing, children’s film The Smurfs v Popeye: Shadow of Fate, Spiderman Recast and new Adam Sandler comedies Farting In A Toilet Stall, Kevin James Is Fat and Fuck You: Pay Me.

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About Scott Malcolm Patterson (73 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

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