Mrs Gove: There are no knives in Govetown

Sarah Vine, wife of Mr Gove the Tory leader hopeful, has argued she and her husband have never owned knives, and so could not have stabbed his friend Boris in the back, front, side, or wherever.

Ms Vine’s comments were discovered after she mistakenly sent a letter by owl to the wrong address, which was passed to The Daily Belter by a member of the public.

The letter read: “Mr Johnson. I do wish you would remind the press we have no knives at the Gove household, and so you have certainly not been stabbed – anywhere!

“Indeed, I do not believe we have ever owned a knife. Instead we use ingenious sword-like objects.”

The member of the public said he was perplexed at the arrival of the owl in his home.

“This bird flew into my house, whizzed about, crapped on me, and dropped this letter. It was then I knew it was mail from a Tory.”

The news follows an intercepted email sent to her husband by Ms Vine, in which she said:

“How now, my lord, why do you keep alone,
Of sorriest fancies your companions making,
Using those thoughts which should indeed have died
With them they think on? Things without all remedy
Should be without regard: what’s done, is done.”

The owl is said to be making a full recovery at a nearby animal sanctuary, and a fresh set of cutlery has been sent to the Gove household.