Salmond on currency: “I don’t have any”

Former First Minister Alex Salmond has admitted for the first time that he doesn’t really have any currency anymore, adding: “That was the sacrifice I made when I let Nicola take over.”

Salmond maintained that he could get currency again in the future, particularly if the UK votes to leave the EU and Scotland votes to stay, but conceded that his current currency status was “currently not”.

A Generic Vicious Daily Mail Writer said, frothing from the face:

“This just shows what we knew all along. Alex Salmond is a whingeing, lying, layabout loser who couldn’t organise a ten-course taster menu preceded by champagne and canapés.”

An SNP spokesman said: “Mr Salmond is entitled to his views. As is my cat.”